Phatt City Library

The Phatt Island Library is located at the Wharf on Phatt Island. It is run by a single Librarian.

Books are organised in an extensive card catalogue.

Guybrush Threepwood used the Library to get a temporary Library Card with which to prove his age to buy alcohol. He also needed to take out a number of books. The library is known to have steep overdue fines.

There is also a miniature display of the planned lighthouse.

Catalog

For the most books, Guybrush will give a generic comment that the book is useless. T marks the books that Guybrush complains that they are too technical. Dash symbol – marks the few books that Guybrush doesn't comment at all.

Category	Title	Description	Guybrush's comments
Adult Entertainment	Zelda Carbuncle Tells All	Memoirs of a woman of dubious pleasure.
Animatronics	Animatronics	by Walt Whimsy	T
Animatronics	Under the Surface	by Walt Whimsy	T
Annotation		See Footnoting
Archaeology	X Never Marks the Spot	by I. Jones
Art	Vagueness as an Art Form
Art/Philosophy	Idealism or Surrealism?	Philosophy/art textbook.
Beverages	Beverages for Everyone		You know, I don't believe there's a man, woman, or child alive who doesn't occasionally enjoy a lovely beverage.
Big Whoop		See: Treasure
Biography	Both Hands Empty	The Herman Toothrot story.
Biography	Both Hands Moving	The Stan story.
Biography	Both Heads Empty	The Fettucini Brothers story.
Biography	A Fistful of Barnacles	Journal of Captain Twiddlymore.
Biography	Lick the Silver Spoon	by L. Phatt
Biography	Me and Blackbeard
Biography	The Time I Blew Up LeChuck	Questionable memoirs of Guybrush Threepwood	I can't believe I'm reading my own memoirs.
Biography	Yikes!	Memoirs of Captain Gilbert	Yikes!
Body	Unusual Birthmarks
Breakfast	Breakfast at Meathook's
Business	How to Make Friends and Influence People	by Bluebeard
Cannibalism	How to Serve Your Fellow Man	by Lemonhead	Yikes!
Cannibalism		See Also: Self-Help
Catalogs		See Subheadings
Cheese	Guide to Cheeses of the World	Reference
Children's Books	The Sinister Beast Under the Bed		Hmm... Good bedtime reading...
Children's Books	Treasury of Pirate Children's Stories
Circuses	Alfredo and Bill's Excellent Adventure	Fiction
Circuses	Damn the Human Torpedo	The origin of the human cannonball trick.
Classics	Great Expectorations	by Captain Loogie	This is very... ...thick.
Collectables	Junk, Junk, and More Junk	A guide to collectable memorabilia.
Cooking	Noteworthy Pirate Foods		Hey, it's blank!
Cooking	Viscous Fluids You Can Make at Home
Crafts	Crochet Eyepatches for Fun and Profit
Cross-Reference		See Referential Obscurantism
Cryptography	The Code in My Nose	Unique message drops through history.	Sounds uncomfortable.
Dewey Decimal System		See Organizational Schema
Disaster	Great Shipwrecks of Our Century	From the Lime-Life Disaster series.	Says here the Mad Monkey sank at XXN, XXW.
Disease	Fascinating Facts About Scurvy
Disease	Shipboard Diseases		Gross.
Dogs	Dog English Dictionary	Reference	It says that "Arf" has twenty-seven meanings in Dog.
Education	Preparing for the Pirate Aptitude Test	by S. Karpman
Entertainment	Quiet on the Set
Entomology	Tomato Worms	An owner's manual.
Etymology	Origins of Pirate Words		It says here that most pirate lingo can be traced to Phoenician restroom grafitti.
Eyesight		See: Vision
Farthington Dynasty		See: Games
Fashion	Summer Swashbuckling Fashions	Three years of the popular periodical
Fiction	E Ticket
Fiction	Five More Than I Needed
Fiction	Hedgehog Days
Fiction	Not So Much as a Doubloon	An anthology of short fiction
Fiction	Very Very Short Stories		Yep, these are short all right.
Finance	Easy Ways to Make Money
Fish	Big Book of Fish	Illustrated guide to fish of the world.	It's a bunch of neat pictures of big fish.
Fishing	Limpet Fishing: The Lost Art
Food	I Married A Muenster	by S. Cheese
Food	Life-Size and Larger
Food	Rats as a Protein Source		Ick.
Food		Also see: Cannibalism
Footnoting		See Vicious Pedantry
Games	Hal Barwood on Monkey 2	A critical review.	"Less is more, guys. You can't polish a turd."
Games	Fan-Tan Fanatic	by Elroy T. Funbun
Games	Kings of Shuffleboard	An account of the Farthington Dynasty.
Genealogy	My Mother the Cart	Strange but true tales.	This is really creepy!
Genetics	How to Make a Jackalope		I wonder how they get them to cooperate?
Geometry	Properties of the Elliptic Hyperboloid		The writing is too technical for me, I can't understand a word of it.
Ghost Pirate LeChuck	When I Blew Up LeChuck	One of Threepwood's worst.	The catalog was right, this IS pretty bad.
Ghost Pirate LeChuck	Where I Blew Up LeChuck	One of Threepwood's worst.	The catalog was right, this IS pretty bad.
Ghost Pirate LeChuck	Why I Blew Up LeChuck	One of Threepwood's worst.	The catalog was right, this IS pretty bad.
Godiva, Lady	The Shirt Off My Back	Biography, see also Adult Entertainment	Darn, no pictures.
Grave Robbing	Popular Punishments for Grave Robbers		Yikes!
Grog, Addiction to	I Am Blackbeard's Liver	The Horrifying True Story of a Confessed Grogaholic	Just say no to grog.
Groupings		See Catalogs
Headings		See Cross-Reference
History	Careful With Those Cannonballs!	Legend of the Glass-Bottomed Armada
History		See Also: Scabb Island
Hogwash	Rememberance of Molly
Humor	Bad Puns For Bad Pirates	by N. Falstein	heh. Heh, heh. Hooo ha ha ha ha. AHAHAHA!!! HOOHAHA-- "He was stumped!"--HAHAHAHA!! Ahaha. Aheh. Oh, well, I guess it wasn't that funny.
Humor	Dumb Pirate Jokes
Humor, Gallows	So You're Going To Be Executed...	Dozens of things to say on the chopping block.	Gulp.
Ice Cream	Pirates' Favorite Ice Cream Flavors		Hmm, Pistachio Dryrot, Salmonella Chip, Grog 'n' Cream...
Idols	Tikis of the South Pacific	Reference
Igloos	Igloo Construction Made Easy
Imaginary Numbers	The New Tax Laws	Light fiction.	It's a bit dry, and I don't understand the ending.
Indexes		See Indices
Indian Burns	How to Give Great Indian Burns
Indices		See Titles
Inferiority	The Complex Complex
Internal Revenue Service		See Imaginary Numbers.
Jackalope		See Genetics
Jello	The Story of Jello
Jellyfish	Our Spineless Cousins
Justice	Kangaroo Court	Critique of the modern judicial system.
Juvenile Behavior	Cow-Tipping Enthusiast	Collected essays on form and style.
Karate		See Martial Arts
Karma	My Karma Just Ran Over Your Dogma	see also: Philosophy	I think this philosophy stuff is just a waste of time.
Keelhauling	Keelhauling: Methodology and Practice
Ketchup		See Vegetables
Kidneys	The Little Organ That Could	Pop-up book of kidney functions.	There are little pop-up kidneys in it! Ick!
Kleptomania	Kleptomania		It says here that kleptomania is a nigh-irresistable compulsion to take anything not nailed down. Hmmm...
Labyrinths		See Zip Codes
Language	Hip Lingo for Pirates	A dictionary of modern slang terms.	Hmmm... "Aaargh." "Yaarr." "Shiver my timbers." "David Jones' locker." "Dead men don't tell stories." I should brush up on some of these.
Lice	Louse Ranching For Fun and Profit
Lunch	Afternoon at Meathook's		Fascinating...
Lyrics	Rock and Raunch	Banned record albums of the past decade.	I don't see what's so bad about these lyrics.
Magic		See Voodoo
Manatees	Damp Damsels of the Deep
Manatees	The Sailor and the Sea Cow	--a fable
Martial Arts	Theory and Practice of Bone Breakage		Hey, this guy's only a PINK belt!
Mathematics	Cubic Lemniscate Formulas		Boy, is this stuff boring.
Maze Construction		See Annotation
Military	The Steath Sailer: Why It Won't Sail
Money	Make Easy Money at Home		It says I should send in two dollars for details.
Mountains	The Majesty of the Sierras		Sierras? Majestic? I think not.
Music	Elvis Lives	Predictions of future music by Nottruedamus
Music	Grammy Award Winners of the Renaissance
Music	Volume First
Music	World's Worst Pirate Songs		Hey, "A Thousand Bottles of Beer on the Wall."
Music	Xylophone For Beginners
Mystery	How Much Wood?	From the woodchuck mystery series.	I think the butler did it.
Narcissism	Feeling Good About Narcissism		The 'about the author' part goes almost the whole way through the book.
Narcolepsy	Confessions of a Narcoleptic		Boy, what a sleeper.
New Age	Dynanetics by L. Ron Gilbert		Who does this guy think he is, anyway?
Night	Sounds From Under the Bed
Noises	A Definitive Guide to Cartoon Noises
Noogies	How to Give Great Noogies
Normality	A White Picket Fence	Sociological study.
Noses	Honk If You Have To	Colds, allergies, and other ailments.
Nostalgia	Soda Fountains of My Youth	by Ponce de Leon	Boy, does this guy ever want to relive his childhood.
Numerology	Numerology for Beginners
Nylon	Use of Nylon by Pirates
Obesity	More of Me to Love	by L. Phatt
Obscenity	&$*#!	Symbolic equivalents of obscene words and phrases.	This stuff is really repulsive!
Okra	Favorite Gumbo Recipes	See also Food.
Olives	Scourge of the Pizza	Examination of forced olive consumption.
Optimism	There's Always A Rainbow		I hate people who write books like this.
Orangutans	Our Hairy Cousins		I have a lot of cousins like that...
Organizational Schema		See Labyrinths
Origami	Paper Buffalo	Advanced origami designs.	–
Orthopedics	Hear the Sound of My Feet Talking		It's about zen orthopedics or some such foolishness.
Philosophy	Deliberance	A philosophical treatise.
Philosophy	Rastafarian Philosophy		I don't get it.
Pillaging	All about Pillaging	From the popular How-To series.
Pillaging	Masters of Pillaging	Interviews with some of the best.	Wow! These guys are real pirates!
Piracy	Pirating Primer	For the novice pirate.	It's about something called "software" piracy.
Poetry	Three Sheets to the Wind	Poetry by pirates.	This is some of the worst poetry I've ever read.
Quotations	Famous Pirate Quotations		(already checked by Phatt)
Ranching		see Lice
Recursion		See Recursion
Recipes, Voodoo	The Joy of Hex	101 essential voodoo recipes.	I think it's meant for advanced voodoo practicioners. The writing's way too technical for me.
Referential Obscurantism		See Groupings
Romance	Amour's Agonizing Adieu	by Melanie Leary	Argh!
Romance	Desire's Distasteful Denouement	by Melanie Leary	Dumb!
Romance	Fascination's Final Frenzy	by Melanie Leary	Fiddle-sticks!
Romance	Love's Lingering Lassitude	by Melanie Leary	Truly disgusting.
Romance	Next To Nothing	by E. Marley, an account of her time with Guybrush Threepwood.	If you can't say something nice, you're not supposed to say anything at all. Much less write a whole BOOK.
Romance	Passion's Persistent Presence	by Melanie Leary	Why would she write this?
Romance	Romance's Wretched Residue	by Melanie Leary	Ridiculous!
Romance	Sin's Sordid Swan Song	by Melanie Leary	Stupid!
Romance	Yearning's Yellowing Yesterdays	by Melanie Leary	Yuck!
Sailing	If I Only Had A Drain	Perils of showering aboard ship.
Sailing	Safe Sailing
Salmon	Lox and Locks	Modern problems facing salmon.
Scabb Island	Scabb Island History	An Introduction	Says here that Scabb was first settled as a quarantine island for skin diseases. It later became a haven for pirates because of its distinctive lack of authority figures.
Self-Help	Pirates Who Love Too Much
Self-Help	Not Eating People and Feeling Good About It	Confessions of an Ex-Cannibal
Sharks	Killers of the Deep	A study of Caribbean sharks.
Shipbuilding	Modern Shipbuilding	by G. Steele
Shipwrecks		See: Disaster
Sin	The Hidden Sins of Calculus		Boy, this is reactionary!
Sin	Top Seven Deadly Sins		"Sloth" is my favorite.
Slang, Pirate	Shiver Me Timbers	A History of Pirate Lingo. See also: Language	"Yarrr, matey." I wonder if anyone really talks like this.
Sociology	Social Darwinism and Social Disease	Comparative social theory.	An interesting comparison.
Solitaire	A Million and One Ways to Play Solitaire	by Herman Toothrot	What a rip. Number 236,709 and number 645,212 are practically the same.
Spiritual	Gift of the Lizard People
Spiritual	Over the Crow's Nest
Stupidity	Walk Thru Walls: The Intelligence Avoider	An analysis of the system, pat pending.	I certainly don't need this... I can walk straight already.
Subheadings		See Maze Construction
Subtraction	Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Partner		T
Surgery	Operating Without A Net	Techniques for safe surgery.	It says to always use latex gloves.
Tattoos	Why Chicks Dig Tattoos		Hmm... Maybe I should get one.
Tattoos	Tattoo-Related Skin Infections		Hmm... Maybe I shouldn't get one.
Tattoos	A Child's First Book of Tattoos		Aw, the teddy bear is cute!
Tea	Tea Party Massacre	by Louisa de la Cruz	–
Theater	Beyond Hearts and Question Marks	Shadow Puppetry for the Two-Hook Pirate
Three-Headed Monkey	The Pride of Loch Ness		This guy thinks the legendary Three-Headed Monkey is actually the son of the Loch Ness Monster.
Titles		See Headings
Toast	Thirty Things That Taste Terrific On Toast
Toenails	Modern Toenail Collector	Periodical compendium.	It's a bunch of clippings from some magazine.
Toys	Collectable Toy Trucks		Here's an interesting one: the Junior Ultra Soldier Commando Assault Vehicle™.
Travel	The Caribbean on No Dollars A Day	A pirate handbook.
Treasure	Big Whoop: Unclaimed Bonanza or Myth?		(given to Guybrush by the Voodoo Lady, it tells the story of Captain Marley and his crew in their search for Big Whoop, and their eventual fates.)
Tree Surgery	Anaesthetics For Deciduous Trees
Trilogies	Why People Shouldn't Write Trilogies	by Simon Finkleberth
Trilogies	Why People Won't Read Trilogies	by Simon Finkleberth
Trilogies	Why People Write Trilogies Anyway	by Simon Finkleberth
Tripe	Dessert Recipes for Tripe Lovers		Ick.
Ulcers	Why You Shouldn't Worry About Ulcers
Umbrellas	Giant Umbrellas and Other Bits of Art		Sounds dangerous.
Underwear	Wedgies: Harmless Fun Or Sadistic Torture?		It says here that the wedgie was once used as a law enforcement practice.
Vegetables	Vegetables Children Will Eat		That's odd, it claims ketchup is a vegetable.
Vicarious Living	Popular Spectator Sports		I can't find stoat wrestling in here.
Vices	101 Vices	by J.P. Ampleform	Hey, only 30 to go!
Vicious Pedantry		See Dewey Decimal System
Violins	Thirty Non-Musical Uses For Your Violin		Wow, I bet that WOULD keep the cats away...
Viruses	Things You Can Catch By Reading a Library Book		Uh, oh...
Vision	Patches
Volcanoes	Warm All Year Round	Real estate handbook.
Voodoo		See: Recipes, Voodoo
Vulgarity	Gross Things to Say at Parties
Waiting	Is It Soup Yet?	A jillion things to do while waiting in line.
Wallpaper	Impact of Yellow on Small Children	Psychological study.
Wallpaper	Anywhere But My Room	Designs featuring cute cartoon characters.
Wallpaper	Living in Lime	One thousand lime green designs.	Ick.
Waltzes	Dancing On Three Legs
Warthogs	The Misunderstood Pet
Wealth	Opulence as a Social Art	by L. Phatt
Wild Animals	Meet Mr. Tiger	Pop-up book.	Neat, the pictures pop up.
Wine	Sniffing the Cork	How-to for the wine snob.
Woodworking	Out On a Plank
Xanthippe	Life Cycle of the Shrew
Xenophobia	Hey You Kids, Get Off of My Lawn
Xylophone		See: Music
Yacht Clubs	Pirate's Guide to Caribbean Yacht Clubs
Yachting	All You Need is the Cap	Yachting on land.
Yaks	The Yak is Slow But the Earth Is Patient
Yawning	The Yearn to Yawn	Psychological study of yawn envy.
Yeti	Interview With A Snowman
Yiddish	Feh, and Other Useful Terms	Reference.	–
Yodeling	Yodeling from the Top of the Lungs	A study of yodeling as an offensive weapon.
Yorkshire Pudding	Not Quite Really Pudding	Articles and recipes.
Yo-yos	At the End of the Rope	Yo-yo politics.
Yo-yos	Bouncing and Behaving	Intermediate yo-yo tricks.
Yo-yos	Spinning at the End of a String	Yo-yo philosophy.
Zinjanthropus	Pirates of the Pleistocene
Zip Codes	See Indexes
Zippers	Zipper Theory
Zirconium	The Most Beautiful Element
Zoology	Just one of the Primates
Zoology	Zoo Animals More Intelligent Than Humans		It's too thick, I don't have time to read it.

Notable Loot

• Library Card
• Lighthouse Model Lens
• The Joy of Hex
• Great Shipwrecks of our Century
• Famous Pirate Quotations

Trivia

The Library is a visitable location in "MI2 Lite" although it is not required to visit in order to finish the game; Guybrush can optionally return the book about Big Whoop, register a Library Card and browse the books, but nothing of these affects the puzzles. The Library Card is required in order to complete the spitting challenge as ID is needed to get grog.